Baby Steps

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27

Sometimes, I fret.  I worry about the things I cannot control.  But there are moments when I see progress, when I realize that I have learned to cast not all, but at least some, of my burdens on Jesus and to leave them there. 

At the end of last year, I desperately, and to be perfectly honest, without much faith, asked God for teachers for this year.  I didn’t see where his answer would come from, so even as I asked, I doubted his response.  Despite my lack of faith, God provided.  My faith grew just a little bit.  Enough that when Rae Ann was left without a classroom aide, and I had no idea where one would come from, instead of fretting, I took the problem to Jesus and stopped worrying.  On Wednesday, Jessica had to go pick someone up from the airport, someone I wasn’t even aware was coming.  By Friday, she’d been to visit Luz y Vida and I found out that she would be staying until the end of the school year, helping as a classroom aide in Rae Ann’s class.

“Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you”. 1 Peter 5:7

Thinking about heading back to the States and my transition time before grad school, I started wondering about where I would live.  Before I even had time to worry about it, my mom mentioned that my family will be moving out of the house we’ve lived in for years and into a new house, and maybe they could rent the old house to me.  One question taken care of, I reminded God (not that he really needed a reminder) how much I hate the thought of living alone.  Turns out my sister has decided to pursue grad school at the same time as me and will be at the same point of transition, so it looks like the two of us may be housemates in our parents’ old house before we start grad school.

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?” Matthew 6:25

As my faith grows in some areas, I still find it desperately lacking in others.  I worry. What if none of the grad schools I apply to accepts me?  What if I finish grad school and don’t know what I’m supposed to do next? And my biggest worry, What if I stay single for the rest of my life, how will I deal with that?

Be anxious for NOTHING

It’s a command.  Not one I’m very good at keeping.  Over and over again, I find myself back where I started, pleading with God for the answer I want.  And over and over I have to remind myself- My God provides for me.  My God loves me.  My God is all-powerful.  I do not need to fear.  Worrying changes nothing.  And I hope, that bit by bit, I will learn to truly be anxious for nothing, to take all my worries and fears to God and leave them there, trusting that the God who has shown himself to be faithful over and over and over again will never stop being faithful.

Faith like a mustard seed

The photocopier at the school is unreliable at best. It's been known to jam 4 times when running 3 copies. For several days running I couldn't get it to work at all. So, the other day when someone asked me to run a copy, I said, "pray for a miracle". And then, I did pray, set the paper on the glass, and hit the button. And out came the copy! I was happy, handed it off to the teacher, and went back to working at my desk. Where I realized that I needed to run copies of something for the first grade class. As I set the paper down in the copier again, I found myself praying something along the lines of, "Well God, I know you already gave me one miracle copy, but I could really use another 6. I know it's a lot to ask, but, if you could . . ." As I looked up at the sky I realized what a ridiculous prayer that was. Here I was, talking to the God of the universe, the creator of everything I see, who has power to raise from the dead, and I was thinking that 6 copies was a lot to ask for. How big is my faith really, if I can doubt God's ability to intervene with an ornery copy machine?

God's grace is definitely greater than my faith. My 6 copies printed without a problem. All day long, I'd pray before hitting the button, and out would come my copies, just as if it were a normal copier that worked.

On Thursday, I squeezed what was close to the last of my hand cream out of the bottle before heading in to Luz y Vida. As I thought to myself that hand cream isn't something I really want to spend the money on right now, I said to God, "it would be nice if someone gave me some. But, seeing as it isn't my birthday and there isn't any other special occasion, I guess it isn't all that likely . . "

A few hours later in Luz y Vida, I met Rebecca who used to work here and came back for a visit. She reached into her bag. "A friend of mine from church wanted to give gifts to all the missionaries I could think of. Here, this is for you". Can you guess what one of the things she handed me was?

Each morning as I put on my hand cream, it reminds me- God sees us. He hears us. He cares about the little things. Even when we don't see the answers, when what we ask for seems too big or out of the ordinary, or just not important enough to bother God about, God is more than able to answer in ways that surprise us.

Seeing God work in the little things reminds me he is in control of the big things too. If he cares enough about me to continue to supply me with English novels, to send me hand cream the day I ask for it, to make an "impossible" copier function, than surely he cares about the more pressing things on my mind. And if he cares, he will act. Not on my timeline. But he hears me. He sees me. I am loved and I am not forgotten.

Home Sweet Home

I've lived at Torre Fuerte for almost a week now, and I'm loving it. There's still little things to do around the house: a room to paint, some trim to finish, curtains to hang, a toilet to replace, a cat to buy. . .

But the big things are done! The main living spaces are cleaned and painted, all our broken windows have been replaced, internet and phone were installed and activated today, our gas is on (and the copper tubing hopefully won't be stolen again since the repair man built a secure box and the locksmith soldered it shut), a water heater has been installed in the shower, our tampered with lock has been replaced, and as of today everyone has moved in!

Here's some pictures of our much more home-like house. We have a few finishing touches we want to do before we have our house-warming/(late) Chinese New Year party.

My room! I love my hammock chair. I sort of bought it by accident when I went to buy "necessary" items for the house. Because, you know, everyone needs a garbage can in the bathroom and the kitchen, a shower curtain, and a hammock chair. An ambulatory salesman saw me looking at it as he walked by. He told me the price was 180,000 pesos. I offered him 60,000 figuring it was low enough he would realize I wasn't really thinking of buying one. But, he said, you tell me the maximum you'll pay and I'll tell you the minimum I'll accept. I agreed, he told me 120,000, but that he would really reduce the price to 100,000. I told him 80,000. He started to complain about what a low offer that was, then started packing up the chair, I though to leave. Then, he handed it to me. I hoped I really did remember correctly and still have 80,000 pesos in my wallet. I did. 81,000 to be exact. Good thing all my necessary shopping was done for the day. :)

Our bathroom, looking slightly more colorful than before.

Making pancakes for dinner our first night in Torre Fuerte.

Our living room and dining room. It still looks pretty empty.

Though, we got some more furniture donated and that has helped.

See our china cabinet or sideboard, or whatever you call that piece of furniture? On Tuesday night, I was looking at our very empty dining room. "What we need", I said, "is a long, low table or cabinet or something". Gonzalo said, "God will provide." Wednesday, Sara called me while I was at work. "I'm over here cleaning" she told me, "and we dropped of some furniture that was donated that was at the Other Way" When I walked in after work, sitting exactly where I wanted it, was pretty much the piece of furniture I had imagined. God is good, isn't he?

The rest of the story

Sometimes, my theology gets messed up. Lately, I've been finding myself fearing that my whole life will be one of dreary obedience, one difficult struggle after another that molds me more and more into Christ's likeness (so therefore, ultimately for my own good). But that kind of good (the kind of good that says to eat oatmeal because it's healthy for you or makes you get your MMR booster shot) doesn't make me excited about following Jesus.

Of course, God does use difficult circumstances to mold us. But that's not the whole picture. It's also true that God is a God who wants to bless his children with good gifts.

I knew that in my mind, but I wasn't living by that in my heart. So, I started to pray that God would show himself to me in a way that revealed that not only was He my provider, not only was He in control of my future, but that He wanted to bless me with good things.

Remember my post from a few nights ago? The post where I shared how hungry I was for a novel? Well, today, I walked past a shelf I have walked past hundreds of times before. Suddenly, I noticed something new. The top shelf now has a row of books on it. Novels. In English. There are more than 20 of them. Everyone agrees that they weren't there a few days ago. I'm not sure who put them there, or when exactly they showed up. But I do know this. God loves me. Not just in a distant, "I'm doing this for your own good" sort of way. God cares about my desires, not just my needs. He won't always fulfill all my desires. But he will bless me with good gifts. A life of following Jesus won't be one of dreary obedience. There will be joy in the journey and surprises and good things along the way.

"If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" Matthew 7:11