The me that I'm becoming

Today, I made myself arepas for breakfast, and then sat and read my Spot books (in Finnish) while I ate.  There was something about that juxtaposition of cultures that got me thinking.  Because for me, making and eating an arepa is more than just cooking and eating.  It's an act of identifying with the Colombian "side" of my identity, connecting with friends far away, remembering- learning to make arepas for the asado (cook out) we had in La Calera with Bibi, the laughter in the kitchen at Luz y Vida as we made breakfast for 30,  the open bag of harina pan that Alex used to pat his arepas into shape, listening to Edwin and his brother and cousin discuss politics around the breakfast table, making arepas rellenas for dinner with Andreina when she came to visit me in the States.

And I realize how much my time in Colombia changed me. Not just in ways that are easy to explain, like memories, and eating new foods.  But things that are so much harder to see, or even for me to identify.  I see the world differently.  I have more than one way of doing things depending on where I am and who I'm with.  My values have shifted.

And now, I'm learning a new language, in a new country, with a new culture. Somewhere in a powerpoint this week, I saw these sentences: "You can't learn a language without learning the culture, and you can't learn a culture without learning the language"  I'd agree, and I'd add that you can't learn a language and culture and remain the same.

My favorite poem pretty much says the same thing-

Aprender el inglés/Learning English  by Luis Alberto Ambroggio

Vida 

Para entenderme 

Tienes que saber español 

Sentirlo en la sangre de tu alma.

Si hablo otro lenguaje

Y uso palabras distintas

Para expresar sentimientos que nunca cambiarán

No sé 

Si seguiré siendo 

La misma persona

Life 

to understand me 

you have to know Spanish 

feel it in the blood of your soul.

If I speak another language

And use different words

For feelings that will always stay the same

I don’t know 

If I’ll continue being 

The same person

And that's what I wonder- who will I be when my time here is done?  How will Finland and everything I do and see and experience and learn here change me?

The End of Euphoria

I'm taking a course on multicultural education this semester since it is one of my absolutely all time favorite topics.  It's interesting to read about students adjusting to school in a new culture since I'm experiencing that adjustment at the same time.  In today's reading, one section was about stages of cultural adaptation.  There's generally a period of euphoria, followed by a period of culture shock, followed by a period of adaptation.  

I definitely experienced the euphoria (or, as I've seen it referred to elsewhere, the honeymoon stage).  

But there's always an end to euphoria.  Life happens.  It's not all a vacation, and sometimes "different" loses its charm when you're no longer on vacation and you can't do things the way you're used to.  So right now, as the semester begins, I'm experiencing culture shock.  The Finnish system of higher education is decidedly different from the US system, and as of right now, I'm having a little bit of trouble coming to terms with that.  First of all, there's the schedule.  This week, I have 13.5 hours of class scheduled, next week, only 7.5.  We're 3 weeks into the semester already, and one of my classes still hasn't met.  Even classes that follow a set schedule meet in different classrooms on different days of the week.  All of that means it's pretty impossible to get into a routine and if I ever lose my day-timer I'm in deep trouble because I do not have 15 weeks of different class schedules memorized.  

And then, there's the classes themselves.  In some way they're a lot like American classes- lectures with power points and hand-outs, classroom discussions.  But there is one noticeable difference- the only class I received a syllabus in was the class taught by a visiting American professor.  Assignments (which so far have been ungraded) are haphazardly mentioned at the end of class, "oh yes, and send me a half page, or maybe one page, write up of your possible research questions.  Maybe you can talk about the methodology you'll use, and if you have the time to do any research you might share something about the articles" was more or less one of my assignments.  

And what's fascinating to me about it, is that the Finnish viewpoint is "we're treating you as adults, responsible for your own education," but from my viewpoint, it's just the opposite.  A clear syllabus with a schedule of what assignments are due and when makes me responsible and able to do the work given to me independently.  I can work ahead, or choose to procrastinate, or decide which weekend would be a good one to go to Sweden since there are no tests or papers due the next week.  As it is now, I feel completely dependent on the teacher and unable to make choices and control my educational environment.  

I think, as I adjust, it won't be so bad.  Maybe expectations aren't clear and assignments aren't graded because this is about the learning process right now, not the outcome.  The professors genuinely don't care what exactly I turn in as long as I'm engaging with the material, processing what we are covering, and demonstrating that in some way.  So, if I can get used to the mental unease of not knowing what's expected, I think I'll be able to embrace that aspect of my education here.  I have, after all, always been a rather self-guided learner.  What makes me nervous though, is that eventually I do have to prove the learning outcomes and I get the feeling my entire grade comes from the final exam (or written work, in one or 2 classes).  And that makes me nervous, because I'm used to having time to calibrate professors expectations to make sure that my work adheres to their standards.  Oh well.  Time to stop worrying, because worrying never changed anything.  I'd be better off studying Finnish or reading some journal articles instead.  :)

This quiet corner of the world

It's the stillness that amazes me, the way I'm only 2 miles from the heart of downtown, and yet within a 10 minute walk, I've entered a different world.   I set out, armed with my incomplete map, headed to a new destination.  I never know beforehand quite what to expect- a narrow line winds it's way across the map.  I follow it.  It starts off as a country road, wide enough for two cars, but nobody passes me while I'm on it.  As I continue, it narrows down, it's just wide enough for one car now.  And then suddenly, with no explanation at all, it's nothing but a bike path, or a walking trail.  And then, just as suddenly, you come out of the forest, or take a turn, and you've encountered civilization again.  It was never far away, but with nothing but the river, trees, and wheat fields, it's easy to forget.

There's a sense of adventure as I ride my bike.  I feel like I'm boldly setting off to explore uncharted territory.  As I enter the woods, I can't help but think of Little Red Riding Hood.  It's dark amongst the pine trees, and I can imagine a wolf lurking just out of sight.  I don't think wolves live around here though, just some GIANT hares.  (As in up to 30 inches long.  In comparison an average cat is 18 inches long, not counting the tail)

I took a walk one Sunday, just to ramble.  I walked past a family farm where a dad was lifting up his toddler to pet a horse.  The road ended, and the path climbed into the woods, and then split, one side continuing through the woods, the other down towards the river.  I walked between fields of wheat as cyclists and joggers occasionally passed.  Close to the river, I spread a blanket, ate an apple, and drifted off to sleep while reading a book in the sun.

The really cool thing about language acquisition

My new hobby is reading Spot books.  You know, Spot Goes to School, Spot Can Count, Spot Bakes a Cake.  They expose me to the sort of highly contextualized language it's hard to find naturally when you're an adult, and it's highly contextualized language that aids in language acquisition.  I know this; after all, I taught ESL and studied second language acquisition.  At the same time, I feel slightly ridiculous reading Spot books to myself (even more so when I sit down to read them in the library and the little kids around stare at me with open curiosity.)  After all, I haven't (at least not yet) read through them with a dictionary to figure out what the unknown words mean.  I'm not taking notes, or even quizzing myself on vocabulary.  Am I really learning anything?

Then, today, I had a moment of epiphany.  I want to make banana bread.  In my mind the banana bread was already baked and ready, and I was going to share it with my Finnish roommates (in reality, I didn't have enough ripe bananas or vanilla, and I didn't feel like going out in the rain for them).  We're often not around at the same time, so I was mentally composing a note to go with the banana bread- hmmm, how could I write it in Finnish?  I decided the easiest thing would just be to write "banana bread for everybody¨ in Finnish.  I know banana, bread, and everybody in Finnish, but I really wasn't sure how to write "for".  I decided the "lle" ending after everybody would probably do the trick, but then I wondered why I thought that.  I'm pretty sure I've never learned that in class.  Maybe I was wrong, I decided, or maybe I'd just figured it out intuitively by hearing it somewhere.  I checked to see what google translate had to say, and wonder of wonders, it agreed with me!  (of course, it's notoriously bad for Finnish-English translation, so it might be wrong.)

It wasn't until later that it struck me- I learned the construction without realizing it by reading Spot Bakes a Cake.  In it, they bake a cake for father. And guess what, father had the "lle" ending when they baked the cake for him.  And to me, that's the really cool thing about language acquisition.  Every time I muddle through a (grammatically incorrect) encounter at the bank or asking for directions, or trying to buy a phone card, I wonder- how am I even learning anything through this?  I'm just using what I already know.  But as we use what we know, we reach out and understand a bit more, and internalize a bit more, until, some day, hopefully, I'll realize I'm not just picking up words here and there, but getting the gist of things, and then later, I'll even follow full sentences.  And it's such a slow process that we don't even realize it's happening most days, it's only when we look back that we can see progress.

Celebrating progress

I've made a deal with myself that I will attempt Finnish in all public places before using English and that asking "Do you speak English?" in Finnish does not count.  (Of course, I've already broken my own rule, but I'm doing pretty well most of the time.)

Today at the bank, I was quite proud of myself.  I made a deposit and paid my rent all in Finnish! As I stood in line, waiting for a teller, I recited to myself what I thought I should say.  I was wishing for my dictionary but had to settle on my bank card giving me the needed info.  I realized that it was probably a safe bet that tili was the word for account since my account number was listed after the word tilinumero.  I must have been right, because the bank teller seemed to understand me.  I think I smiled all through the transaction, which the lady at the desk must have found odd, because in general, Finns don't smile very much, and really, what is there to smile about when filling in paperwork at the bank?  But, I was smiling because I'm communicating!  My Finnish was far from perfect (and as I replay what I said in my head, I'm amazed she even understood me- I know at the very least that I said I wanted to "buy" rent instead of "pay" rent.), but perfection is not the goal.  Communication is.  And that my friends, is being achieved, one baby step at a time!

The Hero and the Dream

What if I developed a research based family reading program to target comprehension skills and motivation to read?  What if I worked with authors and publishers to make quality children's literature in Spanish available and affordable?  What if I networked with the hundreds of already existing after-school programs that work with kids in poor neighborhoods all over Latin America so that they could increase the effectiveness of their tutoring/home work help time?  What if I did all of that together? Could I?  Would it make a difference?

Because that is, right now, my still germinating dream.  I'm not sure on the details, and it's big enough to make me think that maybe, just maybe, I should dream smaller, reach for more attainable goals.  I start to doubt, not only myself, but that one person can make a measurable change on more than a micro scale.

And then, I ran into Gezelius.  Not literally, of course.  Johannes Gezelius was a Bishop here in Turku in the 1600s that I learned about as I did research for the paper for my history class.  He single handedly wrote textbooks, founded a paper mill and a printing press, made school reforms, and started a church-based system of popular education.  His primer was used here in Finland for 150 years.

His story encouraged me.  He had similar motivations, and in some ways, even faced similar issues.  And the results to his life's work are still evident today.

I have no grand schemes of being famous and influential enough that someone will write a history paper about me 400 years from now.  But I do hope that, whether my dream morphs over the next few years, or stays the same, I'll pursue it and see results that last.