When I don't like me

"Do you ever have days where you don't like yourself?", I asked my friend, sitting at the island, watching him cook lunch. "Sure," he told me, "days where I like myself, days when I don't, days when I think I'm ugly and days when I think I'm good-looking. Women aren't the only ones you know."

Misery loves company, so that was good to know, but it didn't really change my attitude. I was tired of being me: the tablecloths that I never got around to cleaning and returning to a friend, the new light bulbs I hadn't put up yet, the garage that didn't get swept out over the weekend all externally representing the clutter I felt in my mind and heart.

I felt unworthy- unworthy of grace (that's what makes it grace, isn't it?), unworthy of the privilege of serving God and seeing him move, unworthy of the love of friends who want to be with me even when I don't want to be with myself. I felt like giving up on me- a lost cause who would never really be transformed to look like Christ.

And that's when I felt God ask me if I wanted to live by the lies I was telling myself, or the truth he spoke about me. Here's the truth- God sees me as a precious jewel, buried in the mud. I look at the mud and reject me. But God never does- he sees the value of his precious creation, dirtied by sin. He won't be satisfied until he's taken me from the mud, cleaned me off and polished me to reflect his glory. But he won't abandon the jewel because it's dirty. He won't leave me in the mud. My value to him is not reflected in how good I look, but in what he made me to be and nothing can ever change that.

I wish that gentle reminder were all that I needed, but I wallowed a bit more in the mud of self loathing. But finally, home alone at last, I shut my door behind me and praised God. And turning my eyes from me and my unworthiness and to him and his glory made all the difference. I didn't need to focus on my worth in his eyes, I just focused on his worth, and when I was done, I knew I was loved and treasured, washed clean in the blood of the lamb.

So, if you're feeling worthless, valueless, ugly, a lost cause, remember this- In God's eyes you're a beautiful jewel, buried in the mud. His desire is to dig you out, scrub you off, and polish you. Your fear, your lack of self-control, your short tempered response, your selfish choice, doesn't make him turn away from you in disgust. He won't reject you because you're not perfect. He came looking for imperfect ones to wash in his son's blood. He defines your value- not your actions. We can't be worth more, but neither can we be worth less. So, don't be content to stay lying in the mud. Turn to him, and lovingly, patiently, he picks you up again, cleans the mud off of you, and delights in the jewel he created.