Life

When I was a kid and I played life, I always had the wrong goal. Supposedly, the goal of the game is to make the most money and retire at Millionaire acres. My goal was always to have the most kids. I usually ended up frustrated; some lucky friend would land on all the baby girl and baby boy spaces, maybe even twins. They’d fill two mini vans. Me on the other hand, I had one kid. Two if I was lucky.

Somewhere along the way, my priorities shifted a little bit. I never wanted to retire at millionaire estates and make a lot of money. But I wanted to do something big, something life changing, something “more” than staying home with my mini van full of kids. My heart ached for all the kids from broken families in broken neighborhoods, who didn’t even know what hope was. So, I started teaching.

Six years down the road, I’m realizing that that little girl’s dream of a house full of kids never really changed, it just got covered by some new dreams. My priorities are starting to shift back as I have a new perspective on motherhood and just how big it is. See, my dream, the teaching and working with kids in desperate situations, is to see some lives, which have been damaged and broken, restored. To see some children who don’t know the truth come to walk in the light. It’s not an easy dream, because kids go home to places that teach violence, promiscuity, and hopelessness. Moms though, they can dream for their kids to walk in fullness and in the light. They don’t have to contend with the brokenness, or even in circumstances where they do, home is a place where truth and love and grace can be lived out. It’s the same end goal: children walking in fullness in a right relationship with their creator. Moms just have so much more opportunity to influence their children than a teacher does.

There was a time where I wondered if I really had the commitment and dedication it takes to be a mom, or if I wanted to. And then, 2 boys walked in my door. Today, not quite 3 weeks later, B walked into my room to ask for a needle and thread to sew a hole in his pants. Two minutes later he was back with a pin through his ear. . . After I confiscated the pin, I gave him a stern admonition not to pierce his ears without permission and NOT to stick the earring that he’d found (and then was playing with in his mouth) through the hole he’d stuck in his ear or he’d end up with an infection. Whether I thought I wanted to or not, it looks like I’m parenting them. I’m still a little bit in shock over that. They’re big enough that they don’t require me to do much, but I’ve still been amazed at how big the responsibility is and how tired it leaves me. I’ve realized something through it though. It’s worth it. These little boys, who I didn’t even know 3 weeks ago, make my days more full. Full of laughter, full of joy, full of meal time conversations, and horsing around in the living room (also full of stress and questions about discipline and guiding two growing boys and a larger grocery bill). In the short time they’ve been with us, they’ve affected me more than students I had for years have. And I think I’ve had a chance to influence them more than I have my students.

I don’t know how long we’ll have the privilege and responsibility to parent B and C. But I’m happy they’re with us. I’m happy for the perspective they’ve given me on parenting. And I’m hopeful that someday not only will I have the chance to parent, but the chance to BE a parent.