Well that explains it. . .

I was looking back over some old blog posts. It's encouraging sometimes to do that. I came across this April 2008 post.

Which brings me back to me. I do not see the fruit of the Spirit displayed as fully in my life as it should be. I am not surrendered completely to the will of God. In living my life ruled more by selfishness and fear than by love and obedience, I am losing the greatest gift I ever could gain, apart from my salvation. I am losing the opportunity to see God glorified completely in my life. I am wasting some of the precious moments of life given to me. That’s not what I want. I long to hear the Father say to me, “well done, my good and faithful servant”. So pray for me, as I work to die to self and live for the one who died for me. Pray for the Church, particularly in America, where comfort often speaks louder to Christians than God’s word does. Pray that we would truly obey his commands, no matter what the earthly consequences.

“May the Lamb that was slain receive the reward of His suffering”

And then I found this post from November 2007

My prayer is that Jesus' call to "take up the cross and follow me" will ring louder and clearer than all the Christian self-help books promising "Your Best life Now" and the fulfillment of your desires if you just, pray the prayer of Jabez, or do x, y, z. My prayer is that I will take up my cross daily. That I will die to self. That I will truly follow Jesus call, even if it does mean a life of loneliness and suffering and fruits that aren't seen until I am gone. Will you join me in praying for the Christians of our country? Particularly for young people who are still figuring out what life has in store for them. Pray that they would be captured by Jesus' call and seek to follow Him first rather than making a career their priority. Pray that we- all of us who call ourselves followers of Christ- would be unsatisfied by anything less than fully dying to ourselves and knowing the fulfillment that comes of being Christ's hands and feet and mouth here on earth now.

You know what I realized? Right now, the spiritual and emotional conflict I have going on internally are really the path to these prayers being answered. And that gives me hope. I definitely have not arrived yet at the place of "knowing the fulfillment that comes of being Christ's hands and feet an mouth here on earth now". But, I am learning to take up my cross. I am finding great joy in many things. And, more importantly, it gives me some perspective. Seriously, did I expect that prayer to be answered without some pain? But re-reading this prayer helps me see the Father's hand even plainer in my life right now.

Just a word of warning though, before you pray "That I will truly follow Jesus call, even if it does mean a life of loneliness and suffering and fruits that aren't seen until I am gone," decide if you really mean it, because I'm pretty sure God delights in answering out prayers to follow more closely.